Is “Mindreading” Real? - How to “CBT Yourself” for more Accurate Thinking
Have you ever felt like you could read other people's minds?
Maybe you sent a text to a friend you hadn’t seen in a while asking them to hang out, and the text was left on “read” for several days. You anxiously awaited their response, convinced they didn’t want to see you because they didn't reply right away. Or, have you ever been frustrated with someone else and felt like they don't understand you when you feel like they should? If these scenarios sound all too familiar, then you're not alone. This blog post is for you.
We'll explore the common thinking error known as mindreading in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and how it might be shaping your perceptions and relationships without you even realizing it.
The truth is, you can’t read other people’s minds. You can’t know exactly what they are thinking or feeling unless they tell you. And other people can’t read your mind either. To be understood, you need to clearly communicate your feelings, thoughts, and needs in a way the other person understands.
In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), “mindreading" is considered a "thinking error" (also known as cognitive bias or cognitive distortion). It’s when we assume that we know what others are thinking or feeling without any evidence to support it.
Mindreading can manifest in various forms and it can have a negative impact on our mental well-being and our relationships. It can lead to unnecessary stress, anxiety, and self-doubt as we constantly second-guess ourselves and misinterpret others' intentions.
A few thinking error examples include:
You’re annoyed at your partner for not understanding you, assuming insensitivity... when they might just need clearer communication.
You share an idea in a work meeting and notice skeptical looks and assume they don’t like your idea or that they’re even think it’s stupid... when they might just be processing the information and haven’t formed an opinion yet, or maybe they’re distracted, or just having a bad day.
At a party, you notice people not including you in conversation, assuming they find you boring... when they might simply be pre-occupied in their discussion.
Having these types of thinking errors is very common. And from an evolutionary perspective, it makes perfect sense that we are concerned with other people’s opinions of us. Humans are hyper-social beings, after all. So if you realize that you do this, please don’t judge yourself! As always, self-compassion is key. Instead of self-judgement or inner criticism, I invite you to appreciate your self-awareness, then gather the necessary evidence, and gently adjust your thinking to be more accurate.
CBT provides effective strategies to challenge and overcome mindreading tendencies:
1. Identifying Automatic Thoughts: The first step in combating mindreading is becoming aware of our automatic thoughts—the fleeting assumptions and judgments that occur spontaneously. By recognizing these thoughts, we can begin to question their validity.
2. Seeking Evidence: CBT encourages us to challenge our assumptions by seeking concrete evidence to support or refute them. Instead of jumping to conclusions, we can ask ourselves, "What evidence do I have to support this belief?"
3. Considering Alternatives: We can broaden our perspective by considering alternative explanations for others' behaviors. Perhaps they're preoccupied with their own thoughts or facing unrelated stressors.
4. Testing Assumptions: If you don’t have the necessary evidence, the next step is to ask for more information from others or more clearly communicate your thoughts and needs. By testing the accuracy of our assumptions in real-life situations and observing how others actually respond, we can gain a more realistic understanding of their thoughts and feelings.
I have 2 invitations for you:
👉 The next time you find yourself jumping to conclusions about what other people think about you or feel about you, first of all appreciate your self-awareness. Then, test your thinking towards the evidence. Do you actually have the evidence for your assumptions? Can you ask them what they feel and think and open up a conversation?
👉 The next time you feel annoyed, frustrated or sad that someone does not understand you or your needs, take a moment to remember that they can’t read your mind. Consider if you can be more clear and communicate your needs and your feelings to that person.
Testing your thinking towards the evidence and adjusting your thinking accordingly is an ongoing practice. I constantly have to remind myself to do this. I “CBT myself” ALL the time! And these techniques continue to be very helpful in my own life. So I hope they are helpful for you too!
If you want more support with awareness and shifting of thinking errors, I offer 1:1 support to dive deeper into these topics. I’m here to support you on your well-being journey! Get in touch to learn more.